Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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