i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
