Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
