so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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