bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
