oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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