My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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