I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think I just sharted jello shots
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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