meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he told me I talked like a deaf person
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
