I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
