Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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