I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
