Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
do herpes really smell.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
