how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
