R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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