I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
