So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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