Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
