I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize