i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
