69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
