I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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