you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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