If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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