I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
