why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
