I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
