I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
