I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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