She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
