told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
