I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
