I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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