I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
