Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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