What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
