okay pat passed out under dana's car
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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