Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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