Your dad touched me again.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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