I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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