I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
