if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
