I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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