i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The power of my boobs compel you
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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