life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
