my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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