Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
