I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
