bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
