Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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