Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
