im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
