I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
