I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
