i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Randomize
